Well there we go. Another opportunity. The S.A.G.E. Dating App. Or not even dating, just relational app, finding kindred, S.A.G.E. spirits.
As I read your writing, Jake, I wrote the following notes to myself:
I no longer want relationships based on "need." I don't want to need others, or them to need me. Not regarding the need for their personal security.
I want relationship out of authentic desire. Desire to connect. Truly connect. And commune. And share. And relate. From a place of inner security and peace on both sides.
I connect with...myself. I connect with...the present moment, and my environment and surroundings. I connect with people, but only the people I care to connect with. I help them connect with themselves and from this, find I'm connecting with them on a deeper level. And in that, creating a "Blue Zone" of S.A.G.E..
But as you attest to, also finding less need to connect with others, as I am connected and at peace with...me.
Thanks, Kevin. I really appreciate how you named the shift from need-based relating to desire-based connection—and the way inner security changes the whole field of relationship. That “Blue Zone” image lands beautifully in me.
Yes , I have much greater awareness of habitual modes of communication -Especially with my sister as I hold less tolerance for being told what I might enjoy , how i may feel, or what’s “really” going on—especially when it’s clear she doesn’t realize She is projecting.”
As i witness my body respond and my nervous system trigger Before laughing at her mistaken interpretation- i can see the importance of watching out for ways i often project my truths on others… and why it’s helpful to stop doing it!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my inquiry into loneliness with - what i receive as -such thoughfulness and care, Jake. I am appreciating so much about what this article names and describes, primarily “withdrawal from unconscious relational contracts.” Hallelujah!!
“There’s less tolerance for being told who you are, how you feel, or what’s “really” going on—especially when it’s clear the other person doesn’t realize they’re projecting.” God, yes! "Sweet freedom whispers in my ear!"
“What we often call connection is actually an unmet desire for connection, temporarily soothed by validation, reassurance, or agreement.” I call this you co-sign my BS and I’ll co-sign yours. “Unconscious relational contract.” No thank you. I am here to grow and wake up.
I am reinforcing my choice to pull the weeds and cultivate a garden of authentic connections that are built in accountability, curiosity, and receptivity. I challenge myself most with this choice when it comes to my immediate family members. I am contenting myself with more space and more freedom (fertile ground), as this what I also desire and need most now, anyhow. More and more, I am accepting and loving my family where they are, while (despite the pushback) giving myself permission to prioritize self-care.
I lonely myself a bit in this process. I especially notice it in the context of my relationships with my adult children. However, to quote you,
"Less need for validation.
Less need for agreement.
Less need to regulate ourselves through others.
What we often call connection is actually an unmet desire for connection, temporarily soothed by validation, reassurance, or agreement.
When that need begins to dissolve, there can be a gap.
A silence."
I acknowledge that I am experiencing less need for validating my roll in their lives, less need for them to follow my advice, and less need to reaffirm my perceived identity stakes.
I also note that with most of my adult children the relationships are shifting. There is less interaction, but those relationships are becoming deeper. I "see" them more clearly now. They know I see them and hear them. By this process, not only am I focussing on my agency, my experience, but also am watering the garden of their own agency. At the end of the day, that is the greatest gift.
Peter, thank you for articulating this so clearly. What you’re describing captures something subtle and essential: less interaction without less intimacy, and less identity investment without less love.
I’m especially moved by how you named “watering the garden of their own agency.” When our need to be affirmed, followed, or needed relaxes, something quieter but more durable can grow — for them and for us. I experience this as a profound gift.
Well there we go. Another opportunity. The S.A.G.E. Dating App. Or not even dating, just relational app, finding kindred, S.A.G.E. spirits.
As I read your writing, Jake, I wrote the following notes to myself:
I no longer want relationships based on "need." I don't want to need others, or them to need me. Not regarding the need for their personal security.
I want relationship out of authentic desire. Desire to connect. Truly connect. And commune. And share. And relate. From a place of inner security and peace on both sides.
I connect with...myself. I connect with...the present moment, and my environment and surroundings. I connect with people, but only the people I care to connect with. I help them connect with themselves and from this, find I'm connecting with them on a deeper level. And in that, creating a "Blue Zone" of S.A.G.E..
But as you attest to, also finding less need to connect with others, as I am connected and at peace with...me.
Thanks, Kevin. I really appreciate how you named the shift from need-based relating to desire-based connection—and the way inner security changes the whole field of relationship. That “Blue Zone” image lands beautifully in me.
Yes , I have much greater awareness of habitual modes of communication -Especially with my sister as I hold less tolerance for being told what I might enjoy , how i may feel, or what’s “really” going on—especially when it’s clear she doesn’t realize She is projecting.”
As i witness my body respond and my nervous system trigger Before laughing at her mistaken interpretation- i can see the importance of watching out for ways i often project my truths on others… and why it’s helpful to stop doing it!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my inquiry into loneliness with - what i receive as -such thoughfulness and care, Jake. I am appreciating so much about what this article names and describes, primarily “withdrawal from unconscious relational contracts.” Hallelujah!!
“There’s less tolerance for being told who you are, how you feel, or what’s “really” going on—especially when it’s clear the other person doesn’t realize they’re projecting.” God, yes! "Sweet freedom whispers in my ear!"
“What we often call connection is actually an unmet desire for connection, temporarily soothed by validation, reassurance, or agreement.” I call this you co-sign my BS and I’ll co-sign yours. “Unconscious relational contract.” No thank you. I am here to grow and wake up.
I am reinforcing my choice to pull the weeds and cultivate a garden of authentic connections that are built in accountability, curiosity, and receptivity. I challenge myself most with this choice when it comes to my immediate family members. I am contenting myself with more space and more freedom (fertile ground), as this what I also desire and need most now, anyhow. More and more, I am accepting and loving my family where they are, while (despite the pushback) giving myself permission to prioritize self-care.
Looking forward to the Tuesday call. 😉
Celeste
I lonely myself a bit in this process. I especially notice it in the context of my relationships with my adult children. However, to quote you,
"Less need for validation.
Less need for agreement.
Less need to regulate ourselves through others.
What we often call connection is actually an unmet desire for connection, temporarily soothed by validation, reassurance, or agreement.
When that need begins to dissolve, there can be a gap.
A silence."
I acknowledge that I am experiencing less need for validating my roll in their lives, less need for them to follow my advice, and less need to reaffirm my perceived identity stakes.
I also note that with most of my adult children the relationships are shifting. There is less interaction, but those relationships are becoming deeper. I "see" them more clearly now. They know I see them and hear them. By this process, not only am I focussing on my agency, my experience, but also am watering the garden of their own agency. At the end of the day, that is the greatest gift.
Peter, thank you for articulating this so clearly. What you’re describing captures something subtle and essential: less interaction without less intimacy, and less identity investment without less love.
I’m especially moved by how you named “watering the garden of their own agency.” When our need to be affirmed, followed, or needed relaxes, something quieter but more durable can grow — for them and for us. I experience this as a profound gift.