What Stops You From Truly Knowing Yourself?

Resistance—and you can overcome it one word at a time.

She knows the frameworks.
She’s studied mindfulness, practiced Nonviolent Communication, completed training in Internal Family Systems, and is fluent in the language of presence, compassion, and self-awareness.

And yet—when I invite her to shift a single sentence, she pauses.

“Try saying, I made myself feel rejected, instead of You made me feel rejected.”

She nods. Smiles. Understands.
And then continues speaking the way she always has.

It’s not that she doesn’t get it.
She gets it.
But something in her—like something in so many of us—resists.

And I find myself wondering:
Why is it so hard to change how we speak, even when we understand the power of doing so?

Because here’s what I’ve come to believe:
If we don’t change how we speak, we don’t change how we think.
And if we don’t change how we think, we can’t really know ourselves.

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Understanding OS2 and OS3

In S.A.G.E., we talk about three operating systems.
OS2 is the dominant one in modern culture—built on the idea that there’s a right and wrong way to see the world. It encourages us to speak as if we’re reporting facts: “You upset me,” or “That was unfair.”

OS3 is different.
It invites us to speak from awareness of our own subjectivity:
“I upset myself,” or “I interpreted that as unfair.”
It’s not about being passive—it’s about being honest about the meaning we make.

This shift may sound small. But it can change your perspective and your relationships.

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The Illusion of Objectivity Feels Safer (Even When It Doesn’t Work)

The language most people use—what we call OS2—relies on the illusion of objectivity.
It sounds like:

• You made me feel…

• He was being rude.

• She’s just a difficult person.

• That was hurtful.

These statements feel natural—even “true.” But they rest on a quiet assumption: that we’re reporting facts about the world rather than revealing how we interpret the world.

This is the key distinction.

In OS2, we’re often unaware that we’re assigning meaning.
We speak as if emotions and experiences are caused by others.
And this gives us a brief sense of control, even righteousness.

But over time, we feel disconnected.
We confuse our relationships and cloud our inner clarity.

S.A.G.E. invites a different way of speaking—
a way that clarifies, connects, and re-centers us in our own experience.

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Responsibility Sounds Noble—Until We Realize What It Asks of Us

Many people say they value responsibility.

But when it comes time to speak responsibly—when we’re invited to say,
“I made myself feel…” instead of “You made me feel…”—we often hesitate.

Why?

Because taking full responsibility means giving up certain things we’ve grown attached to—things that feel emotionally useful, even when they limit us.

When we speak from a place of responsibility, we often let go of:

• The feeling of being right

• The comfort of the moral high ground

• The familiar identity of being a victim

• The sympathy we receive when others believe our story

• The belief that someone else caused our pain

These forms of “comfort” can be hard to release.
We may soothe ourselves in the moment by holding onto them.
But they rarely help us resolve what’s happening—or discover what we truly want.

Responsibility asks more of us.
But it also gives more back.

Because once we stop outsourcing the cause of our experience,
we begin to uncover something else: clarity, movement, and a form of strength that doesn’t depend on others.

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Language Shapes Identity. Certainty Feels Like Security. But Neither Are What They Seem.

For many people, OS2 language does more than describe the world—it defines their identity.
It allows statements like:

• I’m just not good at that.

• I always get anxious in situations like this.

• That’s just who I am.

There’s comfort in this kind of certainty.
When we feel fixed, we feel familiar.
And familiarity often passes for safety.

But this is the quiet trap:
Certainty may feel like security, but it doesn’t create real inner security.
This is the illusion—that if we sound sure, we’ll feel safe.

And because it’s an illusion, it rarely satisfies.
We keep seeking a groundedness we can never quite find—because we’re trying to anchor ourselves in something that doesn’t exist.

We’re not fixed.
We’re not permanent.
And nothing in our experience is final.

S.A.G.E. doesn’t require us to become something new.
But it does invite us into a new way of interpreting ourselves, others, and the world around us.

It helps us recognize what’s already true:
That everything is interpretation.
Everything is temporary.
And that the freedom to reshape our experience begins with how we speak.

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S.A.G.E. Language Can Feel Exposing—Until You Stop Believing in Praise and Blame

When we begin speaking subjectively, we may feel vulnerable.

Saying something like, “I made myself feel hurt when I heard you say that,”
or “I hurt myself when I interpreted your words that way,”
instead of “You hurt me,”
can feel like a dramatic shift.

It removes the leverage—the way we use blame to gain power in the conversation.
It removes the framing—the narrative that makes us right and others wrong.
It removes the blame—and with it, the illusion of certainty.

And this is often where people get confused.

When we say “I disappointed myself” or “I upset myself,” it can sound—especially from an OS2 mindset—like we’re blaming ourselves.
But in the S.A.G.E. orientation, there is no blame. And there is no praise.
Those are control strategies—tools we use to reward or punish behavior, whether directed at others or ourselves.

In S.A.G.E., we don’t stop influencing our experience—we just stop using blame and praise to do it.
We stop pressuring ourselves through judgment, and start guiding ourselves through awareness.

Statements like “I upset myself” stop feeling like blame
and start feeling like insight.

They become invitations to awareness, not indictments of character.

And with S.A.G.E., we gently remove the armor of defensiveness—
the protective meanings we create that sound objective but are actually interpretations.
We stop describing others as the cause of our experience, and we begin revealing how we’re shaping our own.

For some people—especially those accustomed to being perceived as composed, competent, or wise—this type of self-revealing language can feel threatening.
They’re comfortable explaining. Comfortable teaching.
But S.A.G.E. doesn’t invite us to explain. It invites us to expose how we interpret and experience.

This can feel disorienting if our identity is built around knowing, guiding, or managing impressions.

Vulnerability in this context isn’t about dramatic confessions or disclosing pain.
It’s about letting ourselves be seen—without the usual protective roles or strategies.

And when we stop blaming and praising ourselves—when we stop looking to others for praise or blame—something softens.

We may stop performing.
We may stop defending.
We may stop needing to be the one who knows.

We simply reveal.

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What About You?

If you’ve read this far, you may already feel some level of readiness.

Readiness to speak differently.
To see more clearly.
To know yourself—not as a fixed identity, but as an unfolding, interpretive process.

If that’s true, here are two simple next steps:

🔹 Download the free S.A.G.E. Blueprint—our guide to the language, perspective, and operating system of S.A.G.E.

🔹 Join our next live S.A.G.E. conversation. We don’t offer entertainment—we offer transformation. And if that speaks to you, we’d love to have you join our next podcast: Wednesday, July 30th, 9 AM Hawaii / 12 PM Pacific / 3 PM Eastern.